████ Rose.
My first love.
I was so dumb. So innocent.
Just two kids trying to figure out the world together.
Making ALL the wrong moves.
A fucked up beautiful mess.
Especially when she cheated on me… Twice.
And used me over and over and over.
Bobby, rest his soul, tried to warn me, tried to teach me, to mentor me. But I rejected him for her… And I never got to see him again.
And he’s gone now forever. “Hunting accident.” They said.
I didn’t know any better, I was 17 when I met her.
It took a family vacation to get away from her, and that culture of drug abuse… Even though, I brought that culture everywhere I went, for years. Spreading like a plague from my corrupted heart.
I cut off my dreadlocks. I could no longer bare her shame.
████ and ████
Because of my limitless capacity for stupidity, I destroyed the three of our friendships. He liked her. I liked her. She didn’t like either of us. I betrayed them both.
She was my friend, and my hairstylist.
Now I can never get a haircut again.
████ and I still live together,
but I can see he still has an open wound.
I don’t expect him to forgive me.
I’m just glad, somehow, we’re still friends.
████ hates my guts, and rightly so.
I broke hearts and embarrassed her.
I put a massive rift in our friend circle.
Everybody knows:
I can be the Devil
I must exercise restraint.
I must be conscious to my affect.
████
The day L████ left this world changed our lives forever.
I remember it clearly, I was maybe 19 or 20. At 6AM J████’s mom came into the room to wake me and J████. The hospital called. L████ was refusing oxygen.
J████, C████ and their mom left for the hospital. I was too scared to come. I went back to bed.
Ten minutes later J████ called me, frantic. His brother had crashed his car. He needed me to secure the crash site, before the cops got there. They needed to get to the hospital to see their dad.
By the time I arrived, the police were already there. C████’ car had spun out on ice and was crushed in half by a big tree.
I went straight to the hospital, nothing more I could do there.
C████ was waiting in the ER room bleeding badly, bruised, and in a daze.
J████ bought me tea.
We went to see how his dad was doing.
J████ took one step into his hospital room and froze.
I just held my arms out and held him close while he cried.
I still remember his mother’s scream… And the stench of death.
J████ and C████ are my brothers now.
Even though, one time, I had to wrestle ████ to the ground to stop him from stealing from ████. He was dope-sick and I had to let the cops take him away…
That day I called my mom, crying, and told her I loved her.
The world. Wrought with terror and war.