Even though I am alone, always,
I feel eternally blessed for
all that I have.
Fortune smiles on me time and again.
Still, I rapid cycle bouts of depression.

Linds was the kindest friend to me.
She let me come over and hang out when I had no one else.
She fed me whenever I was starving.
She let me live with her and Al for a summer.
I had nowhere else to go.
She bought me food, cigarettes, and booze.
Seldom did she get mad at me.
She let me repay her with a flexible payment plan.

Once in my old house,
when I lived alone,
because my roommates fell apart,
or I drove them away,
I could never tell,
Skinny D bought me rice.
I knew he was a good guy.

Dusty would feed me, too.
Jake bought Toppers all the time.

I think I taught them to overindulge in luxury, too often.
They didn’t know that I did because
I am starved and scared
and unsure when I will ever have the chance again.

I know much of the workings of this existence,
but still,
I am at the mercy of Chaos and Fortune.

I am horribly unstable,
and I know I cannot continue as is.

I just feel like…
I need to find another to bend with,
to create energy.
So I can reignite my fire and come to fruition.

But,
If I choose wrong,
we will annihilate each other.

What will come to pass will come on its own terms and time.

I accept that,
still,
I long to change my stars.

Death could come for me at any moment.
This is why I compulsively record my soul
within these books and canvases.