My name is Ben.

I have spent my life in vain. 
I have wasted much of my youth. 
I have been sitting in depression. 
Until recently I harbored

resentment,

anger

and hatred. 

I have negatively impacted those around me. 
I have squandered my many blessings. 
I am a shame to my ancestors. 
Any potential I once had has been flushed away. 
Educationally, I have failed. 
I am more than two decades old and
I have the competencies of an undisciplined child. 

I know no hardship. 
I know not the value of hard work. 
I have no discipline. 
I have no endurance. 
I am selfish. 
I have a vastly inflated ego. 
I am lazy. 
I am vain. 
I am greedy. 
I have no real strength. 
I have no real knowledge. 

I have no wisdom.

I once sought to change myself. 
I once sought to settle my debt. 
For some time I did make
superficial progress
but it proved detrimental. 

The more I learn and do,
the worse I get. 
My ego grows. 

I can choose no course
which will not affect anyone
or anything-
negatively.

I do not know what to do.

When I am unhappy
I can see truths more clearly. 

When I am happy
I get lost in my ego.

I am coming to realize that
I have to stop talking about myself. 

I have spent too long making baseless statements. 

I can take no vow because I cannot honor it. 

I have no decency left. 

I will go on in darkness
with no clear path
and no clear mission.

I ask for nothing.