Matt H’s dad is in the final stretch.
He’s going home to be with his family.
For the second time this year,
I sit helplessly by while a friend’s dad dies.

I want to cry out, but it is not my place.

I have so much. I have two fathers.
Jay and Matt H don’t have any.

They will have to live their lives with only the memories, now.

Bri never knew his father, and it is a hole in his heart.

Matt H and Jay have gaping tares.

Papa’s mother just died in a freak accident.
He left for Mexico the day after Thanksgiving.
I had always hoped to see my Abuelos again.
Maybe I’ll still get to see José someday.

My father’s mother, Grandma Marion, died in April.

Two Grandmothers in one year.

Am I a Stoic or just desensitized?
Maybe just heartless.

I feel all of these emotions now.
I don’t use drugs to suppress them anymore.
When I do use drugs, it’s to express myself.

2013 has been a bittersweet year.

I’ve accomplished more than I ever have.
I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned.

My loved ones have it rough.
I cannot help them.

I can only take my love for them and use it.
Use it to fuel my heart.
Use it to create art.

At least I can honor others through creation.

Fatty and Joey,
Though we were not very close. We loved all the same people, and we lived in similar ways. I will not forget you.

You always live again.

I am a naturalist.
I am old school.
I prefer charts,
cards
and intuition,
to iPhones and weathermen.

I am a critical thinker,
but it only serves
to increase my spirituality.

Truly, artists in this age must be possessed by some deep sorrow. I cry for the evil in this world. I celebrate love, life, death, and nature.

I am just emotional right now.
The moon and the stars
have arranged themselves
to bring me strength,
in this time.

Winter Solstice is nearing.

This is my time of the year.
This is my festival.

Perhaps, I get a sense
of entitlement
because
I was born
on a day
of
parties
and gifts.

I am fortunate.
Ever fortunate.

Yet I cannot
help
those
I
love.