Trying to make sense of it all, again.

Conversations considered:

Tyler, Papa, and that comment Grandma Rose made.

Tyler said, “S.W. and I stuck our necks out for you.”
He told me that Josie said I withdrew toward the end.
“What happened to you?” He asked.

I could see I was at the end of the line.
The truth in his gaze pierced me.

“Don’t fuck it up.”

He said,

“I know where you’ve come from.
You have got it all,
but you’re dicking around.
If you don’t straighten up,
you’ll be too far gone.”

He told me to stop letting women walk all over me…
To stop letting my heart derail me so.

Papa said much too much.
He is still reeling from his mother’s death.
He said, “This is it, there’s nothing left.”

“En todo hay nada.”

We had a stern talk over drinks and a fire.

“Fathers are all over, but our mothers… There’s only one.”

“Any time anyone asks of your mother, her anxiety jumps.”

“Ben, you have accomplished so much, but for what?”

“You need to do this on your own.
So you have family to fall back on, big whoop.
To be an independent man at full strength.
This is what your mother and I wish for you.
Just get your shit together.
Stop fucking around.
You’re acting like a pinche white boy.
You forgot to think about otra gente.
Be grateful.
Don’t take us for granted.”

Grandma Rose said I was conceited.